Sunday 28 February 2010

Rub a dub dub

It won't stop raining. And I have some time off work. I go back on Thursday. Eugh, I don't think I can hack it there, I'm such a faffer when it comes to cashing up the till at the end of the day. Too much menial responsibility for me there... Might phone up about the old warehouse job I used to have, that killed off a few braincells. But it's all so I can go to Italy then University, so I guess any damage will be justified in the long run. HURGH

Well, anyway, as the weather is utter bollocks, I stayed in my nasty hovel, which, is especially nasty these days. Like some wretched crackwhore, I sit in my filth hole which I haven't cleaned in so long. There's straw all over the floor, it's honestly like a farm in here and I don't care! Not cool!

Down to business. Gave the squealers a bath today, I think they loved it, bless them!


Okay, totally bedraggled here. But they were making their "happy noises"!


Ahh, time off, so lovely. Did a painting last night, for the first time in forever. Stole some of Roma's paints and lied about it, and she instantly found out. She didn't care, and wouldn't have cared, don't actually know why I lied! Fucktard. Been saying mental things recently, must just be MOON MADNESS (yes Rome, another excuse HAHA)


It's not finished, going to rip it up and add splashy-splashy, but not too bad for someone who hasn't created anything in a looong time!

Another thing. One of the ducks is ill, she has a limp and is being bullied by the other ones. So she's in my bathroom, doing her thing. She's eaten loads. Did I write a something about the chicken dying a week ago? I can't remember... But yeah, what is it with animals I know dying recently?! Hella bad karma?! I hope it stops :|

Too tired to continue writing this incoherent bullshit. I'll do a better one or two or three entries before thursday. GOODNIGHHHTT EVERYBODYYYY!!

Tuesday 23 February 2010

"Play your cards right or Big Blue's gonna kill you in your sleep"



Me and Roma are badass. get used to it, fooool.

(That's not some wretched skin condition, it's a facepack with paints ontop. BOOYAH)

Wednesday 17 February 2010

I'm awaaaake!!

IT HAS BEEN TWO MONTHS OR SO
I MUST HAVE BEEN DEPRESSED OR AN ARSEHOLE

BUT THE OTHER DAY I WOKE UP
AND I AM HAPPY!!!!!!

Ahh, massive apologies to everyone. I have been a huge dick, I don't know what my problem was, but I think I'm back. For good. It actually feels like I've woken up from a long massive sleep! So fucking weird. But I'm really sorry, whoever you are ahah~

In light of this, today I woke up (the sun was out for the first time in about a week!) and took my bad self and Romanz to the Portsmouth, where I blew ca$h that I don't have/belongs to the bank at LUSH. God fucking shit, I love Lush. Best shop ever. I got an awesome sugar lip scrub that tastes of bubblegum, a conditioner and some hair stuff because my mop looks shit recently without any product in it. The great thing about these things? ALL VEGAN! AND NOT TESTED ON MY FURRY OR SCALY FRIENDS! HOW MUCH I DO LOVE YOU, LUSH!

Then I was feeling rich and bought us Shakeaways, I had a soya ginger nut one which was the SHIT even though I had to spend an extra £1 for the priviledge of fucking soya. BUH!!

THEN WE WENT TO HAYLING BEACH. I miss the beach! I basically grew up on Hayling beach. Looking out of the loft window of my grandparent's house, watching the thunder and storms across the sea when I was like 4-5 is one of my clearest memories from being so young. Lovely! Definitely going to make visiting my good friend Poseidon more often. ANYWAY, PHOTOS:










Cleaned out the Squealers, so marched up to the garage to see my sister's bunnies, so, totally trying to stroke this bunny who was all cute and shit, when it fucking BIT ME! I've never been bitten my an animal! Other than spiders in Italy! WTF! Angry bunny?!?! Or do I have bad juju? And it's the most I've bled in ages! Ahh!


Sunday 14 February 2010

I'm up in the woods. I'm down on my miiind.


I went to the woods, for once. Kept that promise I made to myself!

Really regret that I didn't take the time to go there before - what a crazy place! And it's just across the road.


Trees stood silent, telling nothing of what they've seen. But they see.





Because I haven't been in "nature" for some time, I've been too hung up in this silly human nature shabang for too long, I felt somewhat disconnected to begin with. But the further I walked, the more I forgot about home, about the self, and the more immersed in it all I felt. Every woodlouse, every twig, every fallen leaf. It felt like I was a part of it. So, I had a really lovely time in this place.


I would like to get lost in a place like this. Literally. Lose my whereabouts and lose myself. Forget human constraints. Watch bugs do their thing. Listen to the wind rip through the leaves. Feel the rain on my skin. Forget time. It might be something that I have to do in my years to come. Find a desolate place, far from others and lose it!




But I might never come back. That doesn't scare me. Woods are a scary place. Life is a scary place sometimes. Aaaanyway. Came out of the woods into this amazing field, where the soil was all burnt, but it was soaking wet.

The photo actually came out like this!


Something in the middle caught my eye. It was a tree with a ladder up in, with a seat at the top! Really funny; somehow it made me really lonely and sad because the sea
t was big enough for two! And I really wanted to share it all with someone and climb it. But there was a little sign on one of the rungs. "No unauthorised persons allowed beyond this point". What?! Who are you to authorise my access up this ladder! Or am I too lame to be "allowed" on this seat of pure awesomeness. Hahah, made myself laugh. And I didn't climb it. Mutha-F. One day though.


Thought it was about time I started heading back after this, so I walked up to the top of the clearing and it started to piss it down with rain. Herbs (my dog) absolutely hates rain. Poor boy. Once the rain came down, the wood came alive. Crows started fighting, everything had movement. There was wind. I smiled to myself and we ran back into the woods.

I felt alive! I'm definitely going to take the time more often to get back to the roots.








Saturday 13 February 2010

I ate too much now I'm writing this. True story.

Nine hours surrounded by lovely fruits and nuts, but also surrounded by pissy old people (literally and figuratively, unfortunately). Hurgh, I'm never getting old.

I'm going to live fast, die young, and leave a bloated corpse in the river Ganges, All going well.
Just finished "Vegan Freak", which was a really helpful book. The "as much as you'd love to, throwing the table over and flipping everyone around it the finger, screaming "MURDERERS!" while running off into the distance will really get you nowhere" bits made me piss myself laughing. It really did what it said it would - I feel like less of a freak in this ker-azy world but at the same time can embrace my vegan freakdom. I suggest anyone read it, even if you're an omnivore and think you're set in your ways. So you can understand.

Which is exactly what I needed at this moment in time, as I feel totally alienated and confused.

I mean, I had an argument with my dear old Mum today, with whom I seldom ever argue with! She's like my best friend! She's been the most accepting and understanding person through this, but we still can't agree on a lot of things. It's really sad...

Ohhh, I'm looking forward to my day off tomorrow! I hope the weather's nice. I might go on an adventure through the woods. I've been meaning to since we moved here... three months ago? Haven't gotten round to it though. Hope I don't meet anyone in there and seem like a loner and a creep. Ahahaha!

Not even going to mention what day it is tomorrow either! Eww!



Does my corriander think it's being fucking funny?! What an asshole! Serious!

Wednesday 10 February 2010

Nonsensical spill I

Buuuuhhhhhhh.
Pretty shit day today. Came to some pretty shit realisations too.
It all started out lovely, dropped Roma off to the station with a proper naughty on - shouting along to loud, angry music, rolling through the countryside loving life. A lovely watery, sunny February morning.
The day carried on like that really, just really happy to be about and a part of things.
Then I went to work at 4 to have another go at the till. Got in the car, put the music up loud, zoomed down the road and before I could break or gasp, a female blackbird came out of the hedge and her trajectory lined up with my tyre. I don't know whether or not I hit her; I looked in the rear view mirror and I think I saw a little grey ball and a feather, but I don't know.
I thought about stopping but I was so confused, and a voice was telling me that if I did I'd be late for work. It's right about here that I really cascaded into a mental black hole.
Why do we have cars? They're just another weapon when in the wrong hands. Are my hands the wrong hands? Fuck, wait, I just killed a bird!! I just took a life! No wait, did I? It didn't look like it... Maybe it's okay? But it looked like I did! I'm a bastard! So quickly and without meaning to... Life gone, just like that! I hope it didn't have a nest... Fuuuucckkkkkkk!! I just took a life! Shit! If I weren't right here, right now, birdy wouldn't be dead... WTFFF I normally drive slowly, I'm so paranoid about this shit happening and it has! BALLS. If I didn't drive, this wouldn't have happened... etc etc etc
Shit like this going through my mind all the way to work. Surprised I didn't totally freak out, but I put that down to the voice that kept saying "don't go back, you'll be late for work". This voice is the voice I have beef with. I listened to it. I mean, life and death is a "pretty big deal", really. And I obeyed the notion that being late for work, a petty human thing, was more important than going back to potentially save someone's life.
All this only happened a few hours ago, and I've exhausted myself. It's really made me think about the world I live in - the human world I live in. What has it come to? Going to make money, a thing that doesn't exist, instead of turning around and helping someone? What the fuccck. I wish I lived in a cave. We're so caught up in our stupid, meaningless lives. On the scale of things, most human lives are really insignificant. Yet, we find it okay to take others to benefit this life that isn't important at all
I just don't understand our justification for our actions and our thought that the way we are is our birth right. Nothing makes us special
Is it the fact that other people don't feel like I do? What's the reason behind being okay with the fact that others needlessly die, every day?
What the hell?!

Why didn't I turn back? I drove past on the way home really slowly and there was nothing, no feathers or blood so I really hope she was okay.

I feel so lost in this human world

Saturday 6 February 2010

B-b-b-b-brighton

Really awesome today! Got up and froze my arse off as there's still no heating, but it was a lovely sunny so it was fine. Went into the kitchen and I had a letter from Sussex University. With my recent streak of failure, I really didn't want to open it. But it was to say the course that I applied for, Environmental Science, had been cancelled. BUT they offered me a place on Ecology and Conservation! Which is the course that I really really X1000000 wanted to do but didn't have the grades, so

I'M GOING TO UNIVERSITY, BITCHES!

I'm going to learn shit! I can't wait, I'm hopefully going to learn really interesting shit and meet people with brains in their heads! Working menial jobs has meant meeting lots of mundane, boring types (I've met a few select lovelies on the way) but I'm going to... BLEABFASJF. I'm really chuffed. And I'm pretty sure the course has an optional year out in Sweden. Holy mother of fuck, I'm there! After being certain that I was damned to a life without a degree, how the tables have turned! Kind of shocked me, because I came to terms with the fact I'd just be working for another year before maybe having the confidence to apply again. WAHH!

Also, I actually went to Brighton today. Yesss. It's such a cool city. AND I'M GOING TO BE STUDYING THERE! Loads of really kooky looking people, but I guess they just look kooky because not many people in Portsmouth have a personality and are definitely nicely slotted into each kind of subculture.


On the train there, I saw this guy at a station we pulled into. He was sat with a massive stack of dog-eared paper on a clipboard, talking into a big microphone, which didn't have a cable connecting it to anything. Really made me wonder what was on his three-inch thick stack of paper. Observations from a totally different perspective to mine? Conspiracy theories? Or just lots of drawings of dicks. Who knows. I was weird enough to snap a photo anyway.

Met up with a lovely friend who I haven't seen in a very long time. He was wearing a bowler hat, bless him. Made me smile aha. (Yes, if you're reading this you're a shart) We cruised the streets and I was just really happy that I'd be going there to study. It's going to be my home! And there's loads and loads of vegetarian/vegan cafe's and clothes shops. AND a Vegan Fayre in March, which I'm definitely going to be a twat and attend. The city just has such an upbeat atmosphere!

The trains back were delayed because some anus decided to get on the tracks somewhere down the line, but it's okay because I saw a man with INCREDIBLE hair. I won't go into detail, but it was shit hot.

Right, even though it's kinda too late to eat, I'm going to go make something anyway. A celebratory something or other. Sayonarazzzz.



Picture unrelated, but this is my Nan's friend's wall after he moved
all his stuff out. It's amazing what 5 years of
chainsmoking does to white walls.

Smoking is baaaaad.


Wednesday 3 February 2010

"Chillin' so hard my ass nearly froze off" Oh, Buck 65, how you do me in.

It's so cold in my house. No hot water, no heating, no nuffin'. Sleeping in tights, leggings, pink zebra trousers and two jumpers isn't so grand. Having so many clothes on and being cumbersome is going to be a top fave this winter. But I did make lots of lovely food. Yes, the "fruitcake of yore" happened finally, (with more fruit than you could shake a tree at), as did a massive vegan lasagna, which was hottt but didn't look so hottt. Shoulda made more "cheese" sauce (really easy! just blend up tofu with soy milk, herbs and some yeast flakes! amazing!) because it looked kinda dry even though it was the shizzl.

A couple of books came today! I got "Vegan Freak" by Bob and Jenna Torres and "Making a Killing" by Bob Torres also... Really interested to get through them. Reviews to come! For the meantime, here's some food porn:




"Delicious incision" - Roma, ahah





Me and Rome were fart-arseing around and came up with my final demise. Somehow I'd have no legs, fall over, mallet in one hand, chainsaw in the other and somehow obliterate everything I cherish, whilst falling face-first into a steak with no escape, because of my lack of legs. Just my shit luck, really. Looking back, probably only funny if you were there and all that, but study her fine work with wonder anyway:


Alright, and since I'm going mental with photos, you get some squealer love too...


This little one was so full of love that he decided to have a chew on Roma's teeth. What a tiny creep. Somehow my Mum manages to attract little friends with crazy personalities!

I HAVE A GUILTY PLEASURE AND IT'S GYM CLASS HEROES. FFFFFUCK. >:[

Tuesday 2 February 2010

It's all nice on ice, alright

Ahh, first day back at the grind yesterday. One of the ladies who worked there greeted me with "Welcome to NUT WORLD!", which she pissed herself over because there are lots and lots of... Nuts. A bit daunting because in a couple of weeks they're going to leave me in charge of opening and closing the shop on my shifts, which I've never done before and it all seems very scary. I get 25% discount, which is awesome because it's all the expensive stuff I buy, like dried fruit, nuts and seeds and stuff. Hooray! And I get 25% off in Holland and Barrett, which is really bad because I'm probably not going to save any money to make my great escape to the mountains. It's a nice little job though, it's quiet and the main clientele are little old people who love to chat. Grand.

Cleaned my place today, there was Guinea shit everywhere which might have been why it was fousty as sin in here. The Guineas are too much fun. Hella entertaining watching them please themselves and go nuts over it; they do this crazy jump-somersault-squeal thing when it all gets too much for them. Bless 'em.

Funds are at an all-time low, I have £45 to my name to last me a month and there's bills to pay, diesel and food to buy as well. Not letting it get to me though. It'll be fiiiine. Somehow.

Really would like a tattoo. I know I'd like two birds on my collarbone but I can't make my mind up on what kind of birdies. I've thought Magpies or Peacocks. Bleh. One day I'll know.

Going to make a fruitcake in a bit, more dense than the blackest of black holes, so wish me luck with that. Adios.


Ahh summer. So near yet so far.