Pretty shit day today. Came to some pretty shit realisations too.
It all started out lovely, dropped Roma off to the station with a proper naughty on - shouting along to loud, angry music, rolling through the countryside loving life. A lovely watery, sunny February morning.
The day carried on like that really, just really happy to be about and a part of things.
Then I went to work at 4 to have another go at the till. Got in the car, put the music up loud, zoomed down the road and before I could break or gasp, a female blackbird came out of the hedge and her trajectory lined up with my tyre. I don't know whether or not I hit her; I looked in the rear view mirror and I think I saw a little grey ball and a feather, but I don't know.
I thought about stopping but I was so confused, and a voice was telling me that if I did I'd be late for work. It's right about here that I really cascaded into a mental black hole.
Why do we have cars? They're just another weapon when in the wrong hands. Are my hands the wrong hands? Fuck, wait, I just killed a bird!! I just took a life! No wait, did I? It didn't look like it... Maybe it's okay? But it looked like I did! I'm a bastard! So quickly and without meaning to... Life gone, just like that! I hope it didn't have a nest... Fuuuucckkkkkkk!! I just took a life! Shit! If I weren't right here, right now, birdy wouldn't be dead... WTFFF I normally drive slowly, I'm so paranoid about this shit happening and it has! BALLS. If I didn't drive, this wouldn't have happened... etc etc etc
Shit like this going through my mind all the way to work. Surprised I didn't totally freak out, but I put that down to the voice that kept saying "don't go back, you'll be late for work". This voice is the voice I have beef with. I listened to it. I mean, life and death is a "pretty big deal", really. And I obeyed the notion that being late for work, a petty human thing, was more important than going back to potentially save someone's life.
All this only happened a few hours ago, and I've exhausted myself. It's really made me think about the world I live in - the human world I live in. What has it come to? Going to make money, a thing that doesn't exist, instead of turning around and helping someone? What the fuccck. I wish I lived in a cave. We're so caught up in our stupid, meaningless lives. On the scale of things, most human lives are really insignificant. Yet, we find it okay to take others to benefit this life that isn't important at all
I just don't understand our justification for our actions and our thought that the way we are is our birth right. Nothing makes us special
Is it the fact that other people don't feel like I do? What's the reason behind being okay with the fact that others needlessly die, every day?
What the hell?!
Why didn't I turn back? I drove past on the way home really slowly and there was nothing, no feathers or blood so I really hope she was okay.
I feel so lost in this human world